The Ultimate Auction!
by MrLuciferrr
Summary: 19 different contestants bid for the most ultimate items in the entire galaxy! In the end, e-mail or review which contestant deserves the last and ultimate price...the ability to do ANYTHING, ANYTIME, AND ANYWHERE.


**a/n: **

**This was something I wrote a long time ago, but I didn't quite finish. I made a few changes. Have fun reading!**

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Robot Voice: Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, aliens and whatever you may be, welcome to the world's ultimate auction! The Bidding of Destiny! Our contestants are….Barack Obama, Mitt Romney, Albert Einstein, Osama bin Laden, Napoleon Bonaparte, Adolf Hitler, Chuck Norris, Darth Vader, Stephen Hawking, Dr. Seuss, Tony Stark, Bruce Wayne, Cleopatra, Leonardo Da Vinci, Sun Tzu, Michelangelo, Justin Bieber, Michael Jackson, and George Washington. And we welcome our host! Mr. Steve!

(A man walks into the room.)

Steve: Good evening folks, and welcome to my show, "Bidding of Destiny!" where we will award many wonderful objects to the highest bidders of all time! Let us start now with our first item, the TIME MACHINE OF DESTINY—which, as you know, enables the user to travel to the past or future!

(Cheers erupt from the crowd)

Whoever bids the highest will get the time machine! Starting at $100!

Barack Obama: I bid $3,000! With that time machine I could prevent our past wars and natural disasters.

Mitt Romney: No, I bid $5,000,000. I'll do the same thing, except better.

Albert Einstein: TIME MACHINE! TIME MACHINE! I BID ALL MY MONEY! JA, I BID ALL MY MONEY! $7,000!

Steve: Albert Einstein bids $7,000! Going once, going twice—

Mitt Romney: Wait a minute, I bid more money!

Steve: Yes, but as Mr. Einstein could explain, it's all relative. To him, $7,000 is a ton of money. To you, rich candidate, $5,000,000 is a few bucks. SOLD TO ALBERT EINSTEIN FOR $7,000!

Albert Einstein: JA! JA! Finally I can show the people I can FINALLY travel through time! At last I can prove that time is not absolute. JA! JA!

(Einstein grabs the time machine and transports himself to the past. He is gone, and Romney curses.)

Steve: Okay…NEXT ITEM! The Ancient Poison Of Death! Just one drop of this ancient essence of a mysterious plant can take one's life. Comes in a quart! Won't cause death if accidentally dropped on any body part, but will burn for a short while. Death results only from ingestion.

(Cheers erupt from the crowd, the most notorious of the contestants nod.)

Steve: Starting at $500!

Osama bin Laden: Ooh me! I want to poison that awful Obama! I bid 501 of your filthy American dollars.

Napoleon: No no no, I bid 502 French francs! I will conquer America!

Darth Vader: Never. I bid $503 galactic credits! For the Empire!

Chuck Norris: You all have made lame bids. I bid $503.01! I'll take it so you goonies don't have to kill people with it!

Darth Vader: I will bid $504! Insolent fool!

Chuck Norris: Nope, I bid $504.01!

(Darth Vader, Osama bin Laden, and Napoleon are owned by Norris's humor)

Steve: GOING ONCE! GOING TWICE! …SOLD TO CHUCK NORRIS FOR $504.01!

(Darth Vader, bin Laden, and Napoleon cuss and stomp their feet in frustration. Chuck Norris grins at them with the poison in his hands)

Steve: With that all covered, let us bid for ITEM 3! THE AUTOMATIC THOUGHT-WRITER! By just thinking, your thoughts will come out perfectly transcribed on the white board that comes with it!

Stephen Hawking: I bid $100,000,000 for it. I'll pay with all the money I get from my _Universe with Stephen Hawking_ show!

Dr. Seuss: 100 Mill? 100 Mill? I have that on my window sill! To buy that thing would be a thrill! So I will bid 200 Mill!

Mr. Auction: Never mind you smarties! I have TWO! Both sold to Dr. Seuss and Stephen Hawking!

(Stephen Hawking and Dr. Seuss cheer.)

Osama bin Laden: Wait a minute! Why do the nerds get both?! Why couldn't we just split the poison?

Steve: You'd probably mass-produce it and start poisoning everyone. Sorry, no offense, safety precautions, you know?

Darth Vader: I don't need poison; I have the power of the force.

Napoleon: Well fuck you and your magic shit.

Steve: It is time to bid for ITEM 4! The Bio-electrical Technology Charging Device! This little baby can charge any kind of technology by using electromagnetic radiation in the air around all of us! It finishes charging in just a few minutes, the fastest there is! Starting at $4500!

Tony Stark: Okay, that one is mine. Anyone else? I bid $5,000!

Bruce Wayne: No, Mr. Stark it is mine. I bid $6,000.

Steve: Oh goodie! Now the rich people are arguing.

Bruce Wayne: Big man in a suit of armor, take that off and what are you?

Tony Stark: Oh, um, nothing much—genius, playboy, billionaire, philanthropist, and of course superhero.

Bruce Wayne (pointing at himself): Genius, playboy, billionaire, philanthropist… to that little list I would add detective, escape artist, linguist fluent at many languages, pilot, master of disguise, master of more than 127 forms of armed and unarmed combat including tae kwon do, judo, karate, kung fu, jit jitsu, scholar with degrees in Chemistry, Criminal Science, Engineering, Biology, and Technology—I could go on for an hour but your face seems to be growing pale. I bid $10,000.

Tony Stark: Well, I have a suit of technologized armor with state-of-the-art weaponry, an arc reactor core, and much more, and you? You have a utility belt with shurikens shaped like bats. I've faced gods and killed big metal dragons and destroyed alien ships, you? You just had some fight with Bane for a few minutes, and he straight up broke your back! If I was there, I would've blasted the damn guy and he'd be dead.

Bruce Wayne: There's more to me than meets the eye, Stark. At least I survived that, and at least I don't have some machine in my heart so some pieces of shrapnel wouldn't creep in and kill you, I have defended a whole city almost by myself. By the way, I'm pretty sure that you wouldn't be able to climb that wretched pit. $50,000!

Tony Stark: $100,000!

Bruce Wayne: Alright, Stark, you and me, one–on –one face off, right now.

Tony Stark: Okay, _Batman_…but not here.

Bruce Wayne: Okay, _Ironman_… (With a sneer)

(Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne leave the scene with a deal to fight)

Steve: Well…that escalated quickly. And it goes to no one.

Darth Vader: Wait! But I-

Steve: LET US LOOK, AT ITEM NUMBER 5!

Darth Vader: God-damn it rebel scum.

(Cheers erupt from the crowd, once again)

Steve: Let us have…the Extra-powerful Lightsaber! It can cut through anything, just like any lightsaber, but it is even more powerful, it would cut through the Earth if it were used as a drill. It would also slice from annoying little siblings to a row of steel refrigerators to even your average-

Darth Vader: I will have it. The Empire needs it.

Chuck Norris: I think not, Vader. You and your goony squad of sith have dozens of these already. Can't you just make one?

Darth Vader: Silence, you fool, or I will choke you to death.

Chuck Norris (thumps his chest): I'm not scared of you…I AM CHUCK NORRIS!

Barack Obama: Gentlemen, we need an arms treaty. We can't have a dangerous weapon like that in OUR country. Excluding history's largest nuclear arsenal, of course.

Mitt Romney: I agree. However tempting it may sound, we will pass.

Cleopatra: For the glory of Egypt, I shall take it for 69 lbs. of gold.

(The crowd gasps and makes the cha-ching sound)

Steve: Anyone else have a higher price for the lightsaber?

(The contestants shake their heads, Darth Vader growls in frustration)

Steve: GOING ONCE, GOING TWICE… SOLD TO CLEOPATRA, THE INVINCIBLE LIGHTSABER!

(Cheers erupt from the crowd)

Darth Vader: This is madness…you, Mr. Steve, run the most fucking ridiculous auction in the galaxy, I've seen many auctions in the galaxy, but none ever fucking stupider than this one! I am out of this place—but I will be back to slice your head off! (Darth Vader leaves the room)

Steve: Oh I'm so scared Darth Vader, you lost an advanced TIE fighter and a whole moon-sized battle station to decommissioned X-Wing Fighters. You were the chosen one but you lost to your own son, and I thought you used to be a great star-fighter pilot!

(The crowd laughs where Darth Vader left the room)

Steve: Now let us look at ITEM 6! The Chinese Scroll of Destiny! This scroll foretells the destiny of the earth and even your own fate.

Da Vinci: I bid—oh darn, I spend all of my money on that cool Mayan calendar.

Sun Tzu: Of Course! I will take it for a year of free lessons in the art of war. And the art of eating soup without spilling on your lap! And much more!

Steve: Anyone else? Otherwise…SOLD! THE CHINESE SCROLL OF DESTINY TO SUN TZU!

(Sun Zhu nods, satisfied)

Steve: Hmm, why not look at ITEM 7! The Chair of Leisure! It has everything anyone needs, it has an installed toilet, a mini-fridge, cup holders, heated and comfy sofa, which also has a robotic massage pack, microwave/oven, and much more! Since this is such a good chair to sit on, we shall start bidding on $7,000!

Michelangelo: I'll import one of my sculptures! They are priceless! Or I should send two!

Steve: Um…Nah, not worth it. Make a new one commemorating me.

(Michelangelo sighs but regains his composure.)

Mitt Romney: $10,000!

Justin Bieber: I want that! I'll bid uh $20,000 and a decade full of my albums?

Mitt Romney: That's all? I'd rather have $30,000! And I thought you retired!

Justin Bieber: I've been thinking of coming back.

Sun Tzu: Oh please no! I've heard your music and it is beyond terrible. And-

Justin Bieber: Shut the fuck up Chinese man!

(A teenage Asian boy then walks up to Justin Bieber and socks him in the face; Justin Bieber grunts)

William: That was for insulting my kind, a godlike writer, doing all sorts of shit around everywhere, and sounding like a fucking little girl. Why don't you go back to Canada? And last I heard you painted graffiti everywhere somewhere and egged someone's house, what kind of sensational pop star does that? Go the fuck to hell!

(The security guards take Justin Bieber away, and William goes back to watch.)

Michael Jackson: THRILLER! THRILLER NIGHT- wait, what are we talking' about? I was singing' Thriller, my hit song.

Barack Obama: How about me bidding $50,000?

Mitt Romney: You're kidding, I bet you don't have all that money.

Barack Obama: Actually I do, as the President of the United States of America I'll bid for it with $50,000.

Mitt Romney: Never, I'd say $75,000!

Cleopatra: I thought you Americans were smarter than this…

Da Vinci: Of course, is this the American pride we all expected? Dear Cleopatra is right!

Mitt Romney: You shut up, old geezer. Go back to Italy and look at your own fucking drawings!

Da Vinci: Aren't I wiser than you? You lost the presidential campaign!

Barack Obama (to Romney): Dude, stop insulting old men.

Mitt Romney: I'm no bad person, black man, this guy's just such a creepy old—OOOF!

(Barack Obama punches Mitt Romney in the face. Romney crumples to the floor and medics rush to attend him. The crowd gasps, and a little kid cheers.)

Steve: Please explain to us, President Obama—why did you do that?

Barack Obama: Because Romney is being such a dick. And I am the President of the United States and I can do whatever I want to the loser. (The crowd starts murmuring to one another)

Steve: Anyway…SOLD TO BARACK OBAMA FOR $50,000!

(Cheers rise from the crowd, Obama punches a fist into the air)

Michael Jackson: This place isn't anywhere for my singing, I'm out. Oh and…WATCH MY CONCERT! I don't have money on me right now though.

(Michael Jackson moonwalks out of the room)

Steve: Hmm, we ought to watch his concert, unlike Vader trying to conquer the galaxy. Who agrees?

(Cheers erupt from the room)

Steve: Now, why don't we bid for Item 8?

Da Vinci: Ooh, what will it be? I hope it is cheap because I wasted money on that calendar. Drat!

Steve: Not really cheap at all, Mr. da Vinci, if you've got no money, at least you could stay among the crowd and perhaps paint the scene.

Da Vinci: Hmm, since I have no money, that would suit me fine. Grazie Mr. Steve!

(Da Vinci leaves his podium and sits with the crowd, smiling.)

Steve: Item 8 is basically the first supercomputer ever to be created! Introducing the AXEL Champion- Series Supercomputer codenamed PROJECT 8300! Not cheap!

(Cheers erupt from the crowd)

Steve: This supercomputer has a mind of its own and can delete and destroy viruses even when shut off, it can install updates automatically while you're still, you know, browsing. Starting at $100,000!

Barack Obama: $110,000! The supercomputer will be a good thing to put in my office in the White House and it'll be a big help.

Adolf Hitler: I shall use it to conquer the world! I bid with 100,000 Euro!

Mr. Auction: No Mr. Hitler, German money is unfortunately worth nothing to anyone in the States. I am so, so, so sorry. And you're supposed to be dead for your crimes.

Adolf Hitler: ARGH! Ich hasse dich dumme Menschen! Sie sind alles nur Müll!

(Hitler storms off, shooting his pistol in the air as he marches to the exit. The crowd gasped but calmed.)

Barack Obama: So Mr. Steve? $120,000?

George Washington: As the first president of the United States, I admit I can't pay for such a wonderful object, it is way too much. Mr. Auction, I am bad at bidding so I will be a first-row spectator. Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.

Steve: Anyone else? Well said, Washington.

Batman: I'll take it.

(Everyone turns to Batman, who has once again returned to the auction.)

Steve: Where is Tony Stark?

Batman: I beat him.

Steve: But how? I must admit that he seems to be better than-

Batman: I'm Batman.

Barack Obama: Reason enough.

Cleopatra: An honorable warrior he is.

Steve: So nobody else wants to offer more?

Napoleon: I need it!

(Batman throws a batarang near his head.)

Batman: No you don't.

Steve: As nobody wants to mess with Batman, it goes to him!

Batman: Thanks a lot.

Steve: Can we start bidding for the next item?

(All the contestants nod, Batman heads off with the supercomputer.)

Steve: Then let's bring it out boys!

(Several men brought out a big cart which contained a box with ancient symbols on it. On the lid was a picture of a phoenix. The contestants knew there was something inside…)

(The doors opened and the contestants who had previously left have returned)

Darth Vader: I'm back for your life, Mr. Steve.

Ironman: I'm back too, for a rematch Batman!

Batman: We'll see about that.

Steve: In this box, is the power to do anything you want to do. Since I don't really have a good name for it, I took to calling this baby, Fate.

Dr. Seuss: So I can write a billion stories in a second with it?

Batman: I can rid the world of crime?

Ironman: I can get all the hot girls in the world?

Cleopatra: I can finally show the world of the Amazons' dominance?

Adolf Hitler: I can finally conquer the world?

Napoleon: I can take over America?

George Washington: I…don't really need it though…

Barack Obama: I'm having a hard time thinking of what to do with it.

Mitt Romney: Maybe I should take the role of president with this power.

Justin Bieber: A million of my songs in the blink of an eye.

William: Well fuck you!

Steve: Anyway, I'm so sure you all have reasons for wanting it. And this magic can't be bought for money! You must have the best reason out of the other contestants for wanting this ultimate power to do anything anywhere anytime!

Steve: WHO WILL WIN THIS MAGICAL ITEM? FIND OUT WHO WINS WHEN WE COME BACK!

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**a/n:**

**Email or review to tell me which person in the auction deserves to have the power to do anything anytime and anywhere. Best reason will be in the next chapter, and the process will continue!**

**Batman chapter 2, Kabuto Earth Z chapter 7, and the Red V.S. Ash story will be released real soon! **

***The character William is based off of me.***


End file.
